


Never Knew

by Xx_Yvonne_xX



Category: DAKAICHI (Anime), 抱かれたい男1位に脅されています。 | Dakaretai Otoko Ichii ni Odosarete Imasu (Manga)
Genre: Arguing, M/M, Making Up, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21816928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xx_Yvonne_xX/pseuds/Xx_Yvonne_xX
Summary: Azumaya Junta had known of Saijou Takato's influence on him all along. He just never realised how great it had been.
Relationships: Azumaya Junta/Saijou Takato
Comments: 5
Kudos: 97





	Never Knew

**Author's Note:**

> Some spoilers where I include dialogue from the currently most recent manga chapter.

Azumaya Junta had always been an oddity for the entire of his life. Ever since he had been young, he'd known, if anything, that he had been different. He had been seeing himself as this exhibit people would flock to see, and there was never a day led through without him feeling indifferent. 

The solid glass separating him and the world had cracked when Saijou Takato appeared in his life. The other man had, without even trying, pulled him out of his own cage and allowed him to see the brightest colours of the world, with the shine and vibrance Takato had shown him almost demanding, almost too overwhelming. Junta found himself desiring him, the emotions he felt too strong for even himself to decipher. 

It was as if he'd found refuge in Takato's every expression, warmth flickering up in his chest like raw flames whenever he's in the presence of the other. He would find himself mindlessly flocking to him, trying his best not to annoy him in the process, his sense of reason all over the place.

But lately things had been different. 

Junta would notice Takato setting some distance between them when they had perfectly no problem standing next to each other before. Even during the times they were together in private, Takato had, bit by bit, seemed to grow distant, his gaze a little hard to read each time he did so.

Junta had questioned it after it grew all too obvious the other actor was trying to avoid him. Takato had laughed it off, pulling a tense face as he went back to his duties. It was unsettling, to say the least. 

It all came down during their trip home. Takato hadn't seemed to be in the mood to talk to him at all, his eyes clouded. He looked like he was brooding over something, making every attempt of Junta starting a conversation in vain with Takato's short, precise replies. 

... Well. He supposed the other man would reciprocate after a while. 

Takato had grabbed his arm the moment he stepped into the house, his face dark as he set down his bag. "Chunta, we need to talk." The words weren't easy shapes for his lips to form. He looks like he's put a lot of thought into this.

"What is it?" He's smiling, gazing at him, expectant, his mind a frenzied mess beneath. 

Was he going to ask for a breakup? What had happened? What caused this between them to change?

What had he done?

He wasn't going to let him leave no matter what.

Resorting to his usual ways, Junta pulled him to the bed, pressing on top of him, with his knees on either side of Takato's hips. He silenced him with a fierce kiss, running his hand through his hair, hoping to feel him relax. 

He didn't. Takato shoved him off with a huff, sitting up, yanking his slender wrist out of Junta's grasp. He's rubbing it harshly, a scowl on his face. "Chunta-- hear me out--"

No. No, this was not good.

He leaned close, pressing Takato to the sheets, peppering his neck with kisses he knew the other man was weak against. Rolling his hips against him, Junta expected him to go along with it like how he always responded, but instead this time Takato fought back. 

The two stayed in that position for a moment, with Junta just pinning him down while Takato struggled fruitlessly against him. He slipped one hand under his shirt, and, ignoring the verbal protests from the other man, pulled it off of him. Before he had a chance to do anything more, though, Takato had kicked his foot, taking the chance to pull out of his stronger grip, getting off the bed. 

"Chunta. This is not--"

"Why aren't you responding like how you always would?" He shot back. "Are you hiding something from me? Is this about Ayagi again?" 

It had always worked. Sex had always worked, ending Takato's sentences mid-way, at the tip of his tongue. So why hadn't it worked now? 

Had he found someone else to satisfy him?

Junta hadn't known why that thought enraged him. It made him feel the need to mark the other with him entirely, to show that Takato was nobody else's but his.

"Is that how little you trust me?" Takato looked hurt. "I'd thought I never would have needed to say this, but nothing has changed ever since we first met.

You make me feel horrible, Azumaya Junta."

He's boring into him, confused eyes not understanding. The statement had froze him up, and he found himself rendered speechless as he watched Takato pull his shirt back on himself. 

"That time when Ayagi was involved-- I know you're not _just_ being protective. I wanted to talk, but it seemed as though all you wanted to do was leave your mark on me because I'm some sort of possession. That's all I ever was to you.

And that time in Spain, too. I begged you to stop, but you didn't. It's-- it's almost like this whole _thing_ was all about you from the very start. It's your desires that brought us together. And when I don't want to be around you, you become this ravenous monster that'll break me just so I'll never be able to be with anyone else."

He watched as Takato rambled on, words leaving him. He's staring into those blue eyes burning with a ferocity to them, and yet he could barely will his lips to move. As if he's stuck underwater, everything seemed slow and warbled. 

Is this really happening? His mind felt blank. 

"Chunta, it almost feels like what's between us had only been lust and never had been love. And I don't think that's normal."

Takato's words fell out of his mouth like vapour but landed in his guts like shrapnel. He could feel his insides tear and the blood drain from his face as he tried to find words to say. He's never seen the other man like this, his eyes cold and his features immobile.

He opens his mouth. Closes it. Takato is staring at him and Junta feels the sudden urge to hide himself. He's looking into his eyes, searching for an answer, and finally, his heart speaks for him.

"I don't--" He cast his eyes down, guilty. "I don't know how to love you."

He'd expected Takato to get mad. After everything they had been through, he's saying these kind of things. Wasn't that ridiculous?

He expected Takato to just leave. But instead, the other had simply flinched as though he's been slapped, looking more confused than anything else. 

" _What_?"

"Are we-- is it not supposed to work this way?" He's getting flustered now, like a robot that had been wired wrongly saying all the wrong things. The truth is spilling out of him before he could stop it, the part of him he's always wanted to hide and pretend wasn't there now fully on display. "I thought you _liked_ it all along."

"No, I--" Takato paused, letting a shade of red flush momentarily on his cheeks. "Do you know what you're saying, Chunta?"

"I don't know how ' _love_ ' works. I've never had the feeling, this feeling, so strong to have you, that not even _I_ can control it."

He laughs, a little broken. _Pathetic, right?_

"All I knew of was how people would normally react, the things people would normally do. But I alone never once felt those feelings." 

Everything was coming to light. He wants to stop himself but he's barely able to do so. 

He knows that Takato would leave him once he had known of all these. He'd always wanted to cover them up with fluffy, charming statements, but it wasn't working now. He knows, knows the possibility of Takato leaving and yet he's saying them anyway, the deepest, darkest secrets he's kept from everyone else. 

"Do you remember that time when I'd pretended to be the groper? I'd taken the test for my psychopathic tendencies every year. But the result never changed, not even once, no matter what."

He's going into a dangerous territory now. All along he's been avoiding this topic, but he supposed he should say it now. It wasn't as if he's got anything else to lose.

"I'm a sociopath, Takato-san."

There. He'd said it. He'd finally said it. 

His face felt as though it had been set like an adversary, his eyes cold, muscles tense.

Takato remained rooted to the spot, the breeze carding through his hair ever so slightly. His features buckled a little as he stared Junta over, like he was accessing something. 

"Come to think of it.... The times where I'd know exactly where you were and what you were doing... I probably scared you. I guess you really hated it, huh...."

" _No_ ," Takato's face is written with a sort of determination, like he's made a decision. 

Startled out of his rambling, Junta stares down at him. 

"I don't hate your presence. I never hated the times that we were together, I..." He paused. "I want to be with you."

"..."

"Sure, maybe our relationship started out with lust, but..." he stopped, as if recalling. "After the trip to Spain, I thought you finally understood. The only reason I was able to win that dance was because I had feelings. For _you_."

' _Just what were you-- you're making my mind go crazy._ '

' _Same goes to me_.'

"You probably never understood love beforehand. _I_ doubt I ever will understand, too. But that's okay, because we're in this together. I want _us_ to be in this together."

With each stride Takato makes towards him, his mind seemed to become clearer, more resolute. He feels as though he was going to suffocate when Takato gingerly leaned in and kissed him, his lips ghosting over his own, so inexperienced and in need of guidance. But his eyes. 

In his eyes were no fear at all from what Junta has said. 

"I want to love you, Azumaya Junta."

Junta feels himself being eased into a hug. It's a familiar feeling but it's breaking him up inside, making him a mess of emotions he wasn't sure how to feel. He tries to speak but fails, and ultimately he places his hands on the other's back, squeezing his body and feeling his warmth, of the body he's felt so many times. He's known of all the vulnerabilities Takato had, the things that he liked and the things that set him off, but suddenly it felt as though he had known nothing about how Takato truly felt all along.

"I want to love you too," he utters, his voice raw and shaky. 

Is it really okay? He wants to ask. Staying by your side... Wouldn't I just taint you?

But Takato simply smiles, nuzzling his face into the crook of his neck. 

" _That's all I needed to hear_."


End file.
